Becoming (Again)

Initiations into the Next Phase, Transitions, and Wedding Prep Tips

It’s been a while since I’ve written here — partly because life has been moving SO quickly (how is it already the end of October??), and partly because I’ve been in a season of reevaluation.

For so many years, I think I suppressed how much I wanted to share. When I wanted to share. What I wanted to share. I feel I overcame the story of “too much” in SO many ways but in the last few months I noticed an even more revitalized invitation from myself to myself to share more. To make it less perfect. To make it more about sharing the message rather than it looking or being a certain way. To trust the bursts of inspiration and downloads and urges to share my excitements and thoughts with the world.

And to be honest — I have noticed such an inner and outer difference. I used to treat life like the cool crowd and keeping up appearances like you would with a new acquaintance, showing up polished and practiced, hoping to be liked. These days, it feels like I’m relating to life the way you do with an old friend — there’s an ease, a softness…no need to prove or perform. I’m no longer trying to impress, to keep up appearances as I used to. My affirmation lately is how much of ME can I be?

Balancing business with pleasure

So much has shifted in the world of BENSHEN too. We made some big changes (including our new membership moving to substack and also a brand new virtual studio) but prior to that, I took some time to pause and really look at everything — not just the business, but my relationship to success itself. I had been doing much of the same thing for 6 years, wondering why I felt burnt out.

For so long, I thought success meant giving everything I had, all the time. The hustle, the push, the proving. But lately, I’ve been learning a new way — one that feels softer, slower, and much more embodied. Less hustle. More expansion from within. I love what Esther Hicks says: you can either hustle really hard on the outside or hustle really hard on the inside.

It hasn’t been easy to let go of the old ways. There’s a part of me that still wants to do it all, to give and do endlessly (I am an MG afterall). But the deeper I go, the more I realize that true growth doesn’t come from depletion — it comes from devotion. From being fully in my life, not just running it.

And speaking of life — I have a little (big) update: I got married! Luka and I did a small ceremony at City Hall — it was intimate, sweet, and perfectly us. In November, we’ll be celebrating with a much bigger wedding, and to be honest… I’m a little nervous!! I never quite pictured myself as the bride walking down the aisle (City Hall felt so simple and true), but I do love a good party.

Both of our mothers came with us to City Hall

I recently talked to a long-time friend, mentor and spiritual sister Siri Rishi about my feelings. It’s not even the part of standing on the altar with Luka that I feel nervous about, it’s the walking down the aisle. She said something along the lines of exactly…because you are walking into that next initiation and we don’t talk enough about how big it is.

Siri Rishi and I teaching at the most recent Benshen Immersion

It was in that moment that I realized this was the crossing the Threshold of the Triple Goddess. I’ve been feeling the quiet whispers of an archetypal transition — that space between maiden and mother. Not yet a mother in form, but something in me is maturing, deepening.

I can’t believe even just a few short years ago how deeply I embodied the maiden. Wanting and waiting to be chosen, seen, adored. (And yet, I feel nothing but love and adoration for that version for she was the initiation that brought me to this moment). However, the mother archetype is different. She is an anchor and she drops into the depth of you — she knows her worth, she creates from fullness, she gives from overflow. The Mother is the alchemist. She doesn’t have to necessarily be a literal mother, but she is the woman who has learned to source from within. She knows her power doesn’t come from being chosen — it comes from choosing herself. She no longer performs; she creates. Her energy is fertile, magnetic, sovereign. She is the one who can hold paradox — pleasure and pain, creation and rest — without losing her center.

My Libra rising coming in strong this past Libra season

It’s a strange yet soothing in-between. A shedding of the striving self and a soft arrival into something steadier, wiser, more rooted in devotion than ambition. It’s an initiation to be grateful for — it’s teaching me that creation doesn’t have to cost me my body, my peace, or my joy. This whole season feels like a wedding of sorts — between my old self and the woman I’m becoming. The one who is learning to lead with ease, to expand without burning out, to love more deeply in every direction.

And now, because I know you all REALLY care most about the wedding prep tea, I wanted to share a few things I am doing to get ready for the big day. The most important thing for me is to not stress about it. I want to feel good in my body and mind and want to appreciate the fullness I have become without feeling like I need to spiral downward into a perfectionist tendency to look a certain way. The key word for me has been NOURISH. NOURISH. and more NOURISH.

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WEDDING PREP: SKIN

I have THE MOST SENSITIVE SKIN!! My skin has truly healed the most by doing less. Alas, I am turning 36 next month and I am starting to see changes in texture and collagen, so everything I am doing has been to heavily moisturize. I used so many harsh products in my teens and 20’s so I really feel like I am reversing 15 years of Proactive lol.

• BEAUTY OF JOSEON - I love everything from this line but my go-to’s are this cleanser, followed by this serum on moist skin. After the serum settles, I will use their Dynasty Cream which I love but sometimes I don’t feel like it REALLY does the job all the way especially when the season changes and the water in NYC is harsh even with filters.

• HERBIVORE BOTANICALS - That’s where the Herbivore Tremella Cream comes in. I got it recently and I am OBSESSED. (Did you know I used to be the Beauty Editor for Herbivore?)

• MIXSOON BEAN ESSENCE - I LOVE this serum so much. I put it on after all the other products and it really gives you the glass skin. (It’s the vegan alternative to snail mucin). Make sure to press it in gently to the skin rather than rubbing it in.

• ROSE WATER + GLYCERIN - I have been using this mist for years. Glycerin helps to absorb moisture into the skin and rose is so soothing and anti-inflammatory. Spray this on last to let all the other products settle in.

• BIODANCE COLLAGEN MASK - Birjiwan got me hooked on these masks when we were in Rome. And of course, anything she does, I will 100% use!! Luka is still getting accustomed to me looking like phantom of the opera when he comes into the bedroom at night but voilaaaaa.

Testing out makeup for wedding … obSESSED

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That’s all for now - it’s 10:32pm and very much time for bed. Let me know if you want more wedding prep info … I’m feeling VERY Jennifer Lopez in The Wedding Planner this Fall planning our wedding and I am here for all the Q’s, tips and tea.